For your chuckling pleasure, Beaufort County Now has compiled some of the king of deadpan, Steven Wright's, best one-liners.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier . . . I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it . . .
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh!!!"
Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh . . . I don't think so . . . he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [freaks out]. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I installed a skylight in my apartment . . . the people who live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it . . . it feels real."
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer." Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
This post appears courtesy of our sister site, Beaufort County NOW, with their expressed permission.